MOA – OMG – Not again

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As the Maid of Honor, you are ready to kill your best friend and/or sister by now.

Thank God the wedding is this weekend, because you have been dieting for weeks to look good in that  dress.

You’re so hungry, it’s all you can do not to cut the cake before the ceremony.  The only thing that’s stopping you is the Spanx you and all the bride maids must wear, except Missy.

Missy don’t wear no spanx.  Missy from Mississippi where the only spanking going on is after the wedding.

You are getting ready for the big day when you realize you don’t know what to say.  You can’t trust yourself to say what you really feel about the nuptials between your best friend and the man you had a one night stand with years ago.

Fear not!  Plagiarism  at its  best, can always be found on the internet.  Make the following words your own:

Before I start I would like to say that ____ you look absolutely beautiful. For those of you who don’t know me my name is ____ and for those of you who do, I’ll have the usual, just put the bottle next to my purse.

When ____ first asked me to be her bridesmaid I felt delighted but as the big day approached I was informed that I would be doing a speech and a toast. Being the shy and retiring type I was trying to think of ways of getting out of it, but have any of you tried saying no to ____.

Then I thought what could I talk about, like all self-respecting 30 something year old, I did research and came up with some sayings that I would like to share with you,

Some say that marriage begins when you sink into his arms and ends up with your arms in his sink. Others would say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, its love, after marriage it is self-defense.

They say that before marriage a man will lay awake thinking about something you said, after marriage he’ll fall asleep before you have finished saying it. Now, I’m sure that there are some of you out there that can relate to that.

Before I finish, I would like to offer my own advice for a happy and successful marriage, now just because I’m not married or never have been it doesn’t mean to say I am now not an expert on it.

Groom, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, whenever you right, shut up.

The best way to remember an anniversary is to forget it just once.

Set the ground rules immediately and then do everything _____ says.

Road maps are always a good thing.

Never forget the two most important saying, you’re right dear and okay buy it.

Never be afraid that _____ will leave you, she has spent years training you and she won’t give that up lightly.

Women really do really need a pair of shoes for every outfit. So on that note before I get into any trouble, I’ll propose the toast. To _____ and _____

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