Monthly Archives: March 2012

Bitches Brew

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Who you calling a bitch?   Miles Davis’ highest grossing album, “Bitches Brew,” is still making title waves  forty-two years after its original release on March 29, 1970 and long after the Trumpet Man’s  death in 1991.

Jazz scholar’s say, “Bitches” is an enduring term that Mr. Davis used when referring to his  band members.

Some say, it’s about voodoo and beer. I’m no scholar,  but to me, this is a no brainer. If you want to get the real,  listen to the man famous for turning his back so he could focus on his Bitches.

“The very first thing I remember in my early childhood is a flame, a blue flame jumping off a gas stove somebody lit….That stove flame is as clear as music is in my mind. I saw that flame and felt fear, real fear, for the first time in my life. But I remember it also like some kind of weird joy, too….That’s where I think my personal philosophy of life and my commitment to everything I believe in started, with that moment….In my mind I have always believed and thought since then that my motion had to be forward, away from the heat of that flame.”

Mr. Davis couldn’t stay away from the heat and  brew up but trouble. His four failed marriages and countless infidelities made for a meal best served cold. Ergo, he came to view his ex-flames as the cooks that killed his cash kitchen and all that jazz.

“Women get too frisky on you. I don’t like it when women get like that.  They get frisky and out of hand, because everything is geared to please the women – love songs, even cars.  Some women, if they don’t know what you’re doing all the time, they dislike that.  They want to know what you’re doing, but don’t want you to know what they’re doing….”

Bitchen

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Function in the Junction

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On March 27, 1998, things starting looking up for the approximately 1 in 10 males who couldn’t get it up when the FDA approved Viagra to fight the war on vaginas.

In honor of the good ole days, ask  a wise woman to  share her fond memories of junction dysfunction.  Limp laughs are sure to follow.

If your man takes that little blue pill  to satisfy your needs, suggest spooning.  If he’s already taken the little blue meanie, and several hours later  asks, “did you come?”

Smile and say “Yes, can’t you see my Cooter is convulsing.  It collapsed about three hours ago. Be a dear and call 911.”

Give me Liberty or Give Me Death or Give me a Divorce

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The date was March 23, 1775, when the words, “Give me Liberty or Give Me Death”  were proclaimed by John Patrick Henry.  Today, it symbolizes hypocrisy, I mean democracy. Back in 1770’s  most men were declared equal and women – not so much.

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty for Ronald Regan’s no-fault divorce legislation, you’re free whether you wanted to be or not Mrs No More.

I’m going with Janis Joplin –  “freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

But fear not, there is always someone willing to take away your freedom in the name of love.  Just remember nothing is free unless you give it away.

Start with lay-a-way.

BETTY’S GOT A GUN

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A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story (1992) (TV) 

This is the true story of  a recent divorcee   who was convicted of murder in the shooting of her ex-husband and his young wife.

After sixteen years of marriage and four children, Betty Broderick’s high-powered attorney husband decides to leave her for a younger woman with whom he’s been having an affair. Hurt by his betrayal and feeling helpless against his legal expertise, Betty begins a campaign of vandalism  and verbal assault.

Her rage consumes her and ultimately leads to a terrible and violent act.

She shot and killed the newlyweds as they slept.

Betty did not want to move on.

The A Word

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On this day in 1850  The Scarlet Letter, written by Nathaniel Hawthorne was published.

Set in 17th-century Puritan Boston,  during the years 1642 to 1649, it tells the story of Hester Prynne, who conceives a daughter through an adulterous affair and struggles to create a new life of repentance and dignity. Throughout the book, Hawthorne explores themes of sin, and guilt.

Today we’ll call it, “I ain’t no Ho,”  your new show on Bravo.  The cameras will reveal your struggle as a new single mother drowning your sorrows in whisky sours, contemplating plastic surgery as you are introduced to men of means and launch your new clothing line at K-Mart.

Don’t Sweetie Pi me

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Pi Day is a holiday commemorating the mathematical constant π (pi). Pi Day is celebrated onMarch 14 (or 3/14 in month/day date format), since 3, 1 and 4 are the three most significant digitsof π in the decimal form. In 2009, the United States House of Representatives supported the designation of Pi Day because a lot of them are crusty and full of filling.

March 14 is also Albert Einstein’s birthday (no relation).  Speaking of relations,  after he divorced his first wife, he married his cousin. His main attraction to her was her cooking. By historical accounts, their marriage seems to have been pie-tonic.

THREE REASONS PI IS A PRETTY IMPORTANT NUMBER

1. It is the only mathematical constant you can name.

2. It calculates to an infinite number of decimal places without ever repeating a series of numbers.

3. It sounds an awful lot like “pie.”

THREE REASONS ALBERT EINSTEIN IS A PRETTY IMPORTANT GUY

1. He suggested during the Second World War that making an A-bomb might be a good idea since Adolf Hitler was doing it already.

2. He showed that energy and mass are equivalent and transmutable (E=mc2).

3. He invented space-time, whatever that is.

THREE REASONS TO MAKE AND EAT PIE

1. There are forgotten strawberries in the bottom of your freezer.

2. No one will show up for a talk about mathematical constants if you don’t make one.

3. Pie is good.

Divorce is similar to Pi – natural, irrational and can involve lots of numbers.