Monthly Archives: October 2012

Divorce Diva of the Month

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Deidre Hall: actress, born Halloween, 1947

Like sands through the hourglass…so are the divorces of Deidre Hall.  For all those who have ever said, My life is like a soap opera, Ms. Hall’s may not quite be life imitating art.  But she was married three times on “Days of Our Lives” and in real life, four.

She had a twin sister on the soap and indeed is a twin (her sister, Andrea played her evil twin, Samantha on the soap).

Deidre starred as herself in the television movie, “Never Say Never:  The Deidre Hall Story.”  It was a bit of a family affair, as her sister player herself and her third husband wrote the teleplay.

Based on her true story, the movie focused on her numerous attempts to get preggers and how she finally went surrogate and got two sons.

Alas, hubby four didn’t last. Today she still has her sons, her sister and gets to celebrate her birthday either dressed as herself, her character, her sister or a combination of the three.

Day of the Dead Divorce Party

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It’s been said that divorce is like a death – more like the living dead, because he’s still alive and you’re the one who feels like you’re dying inside.  What if he was dead?  Well, then you’d be a widow and wouldn’t need this book.  You’d be mourning the moron, as well as your old life.

Most popular in Mexico, the Day of the Dead honors – well the dead with a party.  Here’s an idea, have your fiesta in honor of your dead divorce.  Not to be confused with a divorce party, which has become passé.

You can throw your Day of the Dead Divorce Party on Halloween and have you and your divorced friends come dressed as their favorite dead person.

You can serve traditional South American fare such as quesadilla, guacamole, Tostitos, nachos and your favorite beverages.  Order a piñata and have it stuffed with fun trinkets for your guests to take home.  You can customize your piñata. The possibilities are endless.

Channel your Martha Stewart and make Sugar Skulls for your guests to suck on.  You’ll scare the hell out of the trick or treaters and your friends can take home a party favor.   You’ll find many recipes for the skull on dozens of web sites.

If you’re feeling really creative, and have held on to a few tokens from your ex, paste them on to the skull.  You and your friends can raise your skulls and glasses in a toast to the end of your divorce.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  You’ve combined two holidays into one.  Enough of the scary stuff – this month isn’t just about you ex-foliating and dressing up.

Sample ASS (awkward spooky social situation)

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Night of the Living Dread

You accept an invitation to a costume party and decide that being a tree just isn’t meant to be.  You decide to go dressed as Elvira – Mistress of the Dark.  

You squeeze the life out of you and pour yourself in  a skin-tight floor length black spandex dress supported by a slimmer, a push-up bra that pushes your pumpkins beyond the patch and a long black wig.  You hope to find Mr. Monster Man, if only for one night.

Several hours and too many cocktails later, you find yourself bobbing for apples, not noticing that your pumpkins have freed themselves from wonder bondage.  You are saved from complete embarrassment by a man who resembles Herman Munster.

Before you realize that he’s creepy and add a little kooky, you and he have mysteriously landed out back in a hammock acting ooky.

You feel there is hope for you and the Munster when suddenly a woman dressed as Lily Munster rushes over and demands to know what the Hades is going on.

You find out in short order that these Munsters are married and Mrs. Munster showed up unexpectedly as she was supposed to be home due to a migraine.

Do you:

A. Throw up on Herman.

B.  Apologize to Lily and give her your phone number and that of your divorce attorney.

C.  Shuffle away as fast as your spandex will allow.

D.  Whisper to the Munster to call you.  What the hell, you’re lonely and your husband did it to you.  As a matter of fact, everybody’s doing it except you.

Answer: B & C.  You must remember who are the real monsters is in this scenario.  Lily may need a friend to talk to and who better than somebody almost caught up in the web of deceit and desire.

All Star Divorce Diva Hall of Fame

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Helen Reddy: singer, born October 25, 1941

The #1 Grammy-winning “I Am Woman” became not only THE anthem of the feminist movement during the radical 1970s, but also the signature song for its crop-haired composer and singer Helen Reddy. Three decades later this is the hit people still remember her for, despite the fact she had an abundance of other “top ten” records over the course of her long career.

Ms. Reddy  has been down the aisle three times, but it’s wisdom for the pain.  Suffice it to say, she’s no longer an embryo.

Today, she lives  in her native Australia.  She retired from the music business in 2002. She is a practicing hypnotherapist and motivational speaker.

In case you forgot the words…  I am woman, hear me roar

In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

This Month in Divorce History

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2011 Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher

2009 Avril Lavigne & Derych Whibley

2007 Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson

Anita Baker & Walter Baker Bridgforth

2006 Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown

2005  Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt

2003 Liza Minnelli & David Gest

2002 Drew Barrymore & Tom Green

1990  Geena Davis & Jeff Goldblum

1973 Priscilla Presley & Elvis Presley

Body Buddy

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October 18th – Love your body day brought to by NOW (the National Organization for Women)

One day dedicated to self-love?  As women, we spend a lifetime of loathing some or all of our body parts.  So much has been said and written on the body topic that I don’t feel I have much to add – except to say that the message is always the same and the messenger is almost always skinny and camera ready.

I cannot think of one magazine aimed at the female reader that does not bombard us with unrealistic images of beauty and body.  How many times have we seen an outfit geared for the over thirty or forty lady being modeled by a minor?

Every television and print outlet runs exposes on everything from plastic to gastric surgery with some doctor inevitable claiming that, “You must be whole inside in order to feel better on the outside” before he agrees to slice you up like a pumpkin.

Kudos to the ladies of NOW, which was founded on October 29, 1966, just one day shy of Halloween for exposing the masks we women have been forced to wear for centuries.

The land before hands

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Ever get that fossil feeling?  Out of the blue you wake one morning and feel an odd kinship with the dinosaur.  As your day progresses you fear you are headed toward extinction and don’t know how to stop this change in your emotional evolution.

Suddenly you find yourself wandering around a Natural History museum, clueless as to how you got there.  School-age children surround you, listening with boredom as the docent explains the history of the female tyrannosaurus.  Your first thought is how thin and tall she must have been in her youth.

You fear that you are slowly losing your prehistoric mind.  You saw Jurassic Park forever ago.  Are you having a flashback? Or unknowingly celebrating dinosaur month?

It’s only fitting that you relate to the dinosaur’s fate during this first year of transition.  It took approximately 65 million years for people to appear after the dinosaur disappeared.

Meeting someone new seems like it will take about the same amount of time.  Just remember that some scientists believe that birds are direct descendants of certain dinosaurs.

Tthe next time you are feeling like a relic, just image yourself evolving into a you-can Toucan.