Category Archives: Divorce Daze

Just my type

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LoveDefinitionInTypewriter1The first Valentine’s Day after my divorce, I felt massacred . It had been over a year since I discovered his affair, and I filed for divorce on February 9th the following year.

He  had moved and they were expecting a chocolate child.

What I truly missed on this Hallmark Holiday, are the last-minute gold and diamond trinkets he used to rush out and buy me.  I miss his guilt gifts.

The next year, I decided I needed to find a new way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead of dwelling on what I no longer had, I would focus on what I still had/have — good  humor. While my ex-husband was living  in a McMansion with his new family , I was wasting away in “Margaritaville.

The guests at my pity party had long gone, but the party on my face was going strong. I needed to put down the shaker and shake my mind maker – writing.   I used to write everyday.  Okay, not everyday, but I thought about it everyday.  I am writing now.  Word.

I’ve had my heart-broken many times since my divorce.  I still get, “can’t we be friends,” from men who don’t know the meaning of friendship, or they wouldn’t ask such a moronic question.

Today, I will not receive flowers, chocolates or Victoria’s Secret thongs (which are just plain wrong.)

Tomorrow, I will go to the drug store and buy myself a big box of chocolates marked, 50%  – Rose boxers, too.  Because I am worth it and so are you!

When the Broom Breaks

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jumpingthebroom“Jumping the Broom.”

The significance of the broom to Black Folk heritage and history originates in the West African country of Ghana. During the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, most of Ghana in the 18th century was ruled by the Asante of Ashanti Confederacy. The Asante’s urban areas and roads were kept conspicuously clean according to visiting British and Dutch traders with the use of locally made brooms. These same brooms were used by wives or servants to clean the courtyards of palaces or homes. The broom in Asante and other Akan cultures also held spiritual value and symbolized sweeping away past wrongs or removing evil spirits.

This is where the broom comes into play regarding marriage. Brooms were waved over the heads of marrying couples to ward off spirits. The couple would often but not always jump over the broom at the end of the ceremony. Jumping over the broom symbolized the wife’s commitment or willingness to clean the courtyard of the new home she had joined. Furthermore, it expressed her overall commitment to the house. It also represented the determination of who ran the household. Whoever jumped highest over the broom was the decision maker of the household (usually the man). The jumping of the broom does not add up to taking a “leap of faith.”

The irony is that practice of jumping the broom was largely discarded after Emancipation in America which was consistent with the eventual fall of the Ashanti Confederacy in Ghana in 1897 and the coming of British customs. Jumping the Broom did survive in the Americas, especially in the United States, among slaves brought from the Asante area. This particular Akan practice of jumping the broom was picked up by other African ethnic groups in the Americas and used to strengthen marriages during slavery among their communities.

Jumping the broom was not a custom of slavery, but is a part of African culture that survived American slavery like the Voodoo religion of the Fon and Ewe ethnic groups or the ring shout ceremony of the BaKongo and Mbundu ethnic groups. With slavery over and superficial hints of racial integration allowed, African-Americans could now have European-style marriages. Jumping the broom had nothing to do with Whites.

Once Blacks could have weddings with rings that were recognizable by anyone as a symbol of marriage, the broom ceremony wasn’t required. During this time, jumping the broom fell out of practice from the stigma it carried, and in some cases still carries, among African Americans who wanted nothing to do with anything associated with that era. The practice survived, and made a resurgence after publication of Alex Haley’s book “Roots.”

Currently, many African and African American couples include jumping the broom at the end of their wedding ceremonies as a tribute to tradition. And even couples who do not actually jump a broom when they get married, often refer to, or at least recognize, the phrase to be synonymous with getting married in the same way most Americans associate “tying the knot” with getting married.

Broom jumping is also practiced by non-Black groups and in different religions around the world with some variation. Wiccans and Gypsies are among some of the groups who developed their own broom-jumping tradition.

Brooms break like a bad weave. A Dirt Devil was required to get these couples out from under all the dust of deceit. After all was said and done, theses Sisters  are in the Black, except for If I Could Turn Back The Hands of Time, Halle just bury him already.

Nas & Kelis Martin

Christina Milian and Terius “The-Dream” Nash

Martin Lawrence & Shamicka Gibbs

Shaquille & Shaunie O’Neal

Michael and Juanita Jordan

Eddie and Nicole Murphy

Lisa Raye McCoy & Michael Misick

Dwyane & Siohvaughn Wade
Lionel and Diane Ritchie

 

Halle Berry & Eric Benetbrokenbroom

“You’re the first, the last, my everything!”

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Roses are red, February is love dread

If this is another Valentine’s Day’s with no Boo  

Here’s what we’re going to do

Skip the nervous breakdown

By staying in our nightgown.

 

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On Valentine’s Day, lovers everywhere celebrate the day with all sorts of rituals, both old and new. Flowers will be given, romantic candlelight dinners enjoyed and intimate relations of course enjoyed.
One of the added touches to any Valentine’s Day celebration is music. Mood setting music ranging from romantic to sexy will be played in restaurants, living rooms, and, well, yes, bedrooms.
But what about those without a significant other? What about those who have recently gone through a breakup or just have not found that soul mate yet?
What kind of music should THEY be playing?
I’m glad you asked.
The following is a list of my top ten all time anti-Valentine’s Day lyrics.
Oran “Juice” Jones “The Rain”
The classic Def Jam record chronicles the story of a man who catches his woman on a date with another man, and concludes with the hilarious confrontation.
“Did you miss me? I missed you too. I missed you so much I followed you today.”
Eminem “Kim”
Raw emotion makes for great art. Eminem wrote this murderous tale after his on/off girlfriend Kim (hence the title) cheated on him. This one still gives me chills to this day.
“Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me / But we was kids then Kim, I was only 18 / That was years ago / I thought we wiped the slate clean”
Erykah Badu “Tyrone”This classic song about a woman kicking her man to the curb even had the fellas conceding defeat.“I think you better call Tyrone / But you can’t use my phone”

D’Angelo “S**t, Damn, M**********r”

R&B’s Howard Hughes sings about catching his wife with his best friend. Violence ensues.

“I’m ’bout to go get my nine / and kill both of y’alls behinds”

TLC “No Scrubs”

Labeled male bashers by every man after the song dropped, only the ones that fit the description should’ve been mad at T-Boz, Left Eye and Chilli.

“I don’t want your number / No / I don’t wanna give you mine / And no / I don’t wanna meet you nowhere / No / I don’t want none of your time”

Kelis “Caught Out There”

Kelis’ debut single was definitely the tale of a woman scorned and helped make her a household name.

“So sick of your games / I’ll set your truck to flames / And watch it blow up, blow up”

Blondie  “Heart of Glass”

The dance-able, pop song from pop-punk band Blondie is too charming to resist, with Debbie Harry’s beautiful voice, and the catchy guitar riff. ‘Once had a love, and it was divine/Soon I found out I was losing my mind.’

Soft Cell – “Tainted Love”

Don’t touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I’m going to pack my things and go

Gloria Gaynor – “I Will Survive”

I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive

Tina Turner – “What’s Love Got To Do With It?

What’s love but a second hand emotion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

 

 

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Wear comfortable shoes.

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322810_to-be-continuedCongratulations!  If you’re reading this text you’ve survived your SECOND SINGLE New Year’s Eve intact.  By intact I mean, you’re breathing.  You may or may not be hung over or glad you were too out of it to hang yourself.  The good news is – you are here.  Sound familiar?  Hopefully you are not back where we started one year ago, when you found yourself a Mrs. No. More.

If so, rinse and repeat this blog.

My work here is done.  I’ve given you my all.  Well, at this point, like most advice,  I would just be repeating myself.  The last thing you need is a marriage recovery marathon.

Ready for year two?  It’s ready for you.

You may be surprised by the long, arduous journey of emotions that you are still experiencing. There is no right or wrong way to work through your individual emotional phases. Being aware that they are there and giving them validation, often times will move you farther along your unique path of grief. Be prepared for unexpected reoccurrence in the future, months or even years after you believed that you were through with it, and had moved beyond the reach of the pain.

These flashback events are most often triggered by important life events, such as the graduation or marriage of a child, moving from a home with strong emotional ties, the birth of a child or grandchild, or the death of a loved one. It is generally believed that our painful memories are all stored in the same part of the brain, so a new one can open the floodgates to old memories and the accompanying pain of grief and loss. We can be taken completely by surprise, as the agonizing memories come crashing back like massive emotional Tsunamis.

By expecting these occasional relapses and remembering that there is not a completion date to grief, you allow your emotions to flow through the stages at their individual pace. Also, realize that you may revisit a phase you thought you were finished with many times, and that is okay. Your mind knows what it needs and will process the information continually until it reaches some level of acceptance, allowing you to move beyond the grief and turn the first page on the new chapter in your life.

Allow yourself validation for your pain and grief and distance yourself from those who undermine your progress. You are a unique person and your suffering, coping and moving skills are as individual as you are. That is the way we were made.

Warning…

Whatever you do, don’t jump the broom again too soon.  If you fell in love your freshman year of divorce – don’t rush to another judgment.   I  leave you with sobering advice from the professionals.

It’s been proven that the second marriage divorce rate is statistically higher than that of first marriages because of a few simple, yet critical mistakes that many people make when they enter their second marriage.

Psychology Today stated that a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.

If anything can be learned from this, it is the fact that you need to enter a second marriage with CAUTION. Here are some tips that will help you make sure that your second marriage is a success…

Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying.

Be sure that YOUR beliefs are in line with your spouse’s. By beliefs, I’m not only talking about religion. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining children, daily love & affection, sex, household chores and even social beliefs.

It is opposite beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.

In your hunger to find new love, you may be tempted to idealize life with your fiancé and ignore the discussion of opposite beliefs that could cause conflict in your marriage.

But believe me; if you do this and find out later on in your marriage that you and your spouse have completely opposite beliefs, you will be in a WORLD of hurt and pain. Don’t make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage. Discuss these issues NOW. Don’t wait because you don’t want to spoil the mood.

Based on your last marriage, write down every little thing you and your ex fought about Don’t Rush Into Marriage Because You’re Blinded By Love.

Research shows that the possibility of a second divorce greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Don’t think this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.

“… and you can bet your last money, it’s all gonna be a stone gas, honey! I’m Mrs. No More, and as always in parting, I wish you love, peace and soul!”

detailed_toly-kids-toilet-seat-cover-travel-packhttp://www.amazon.com/toilet-be-Mrs-More-Your-divide-ebook/dp/B00361ENU8

Happy New Year!

 

When the Ball Drops

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Auld Lang Syne by Robert Burns


Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?
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If you tied the knot on New Year’s Eve

You are not alone in your dashed dreams of starting the New Year with a new spouse.  Witness those listed who shared your dream and got hitched on December 31.  Just like you, they too are ringing in the New Year without their former ball drops:

Jennifer Carpenter & Michael C. Hall

Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson

Halle Berry & David Justice

Tia Carrere & Simon Wakelin

Deidre Hall & Steve Sohmer

Vanna White & George Santopietro

Divorce Diva of the Month

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edith-piaf-grangerEdith Piaf:  singer, born December 19, 1915

Known as La Mome Piaf (The Sparrow Kid), this tiny femme with the big voice lived a life straight out of a Charles Dickens novel.  She started singing for pennies on the streets of Paris and made it all the way to Carnegie Hall.

In the middle of the German occupation during World War II, she penned her signature song, “La vie en rose,” which loosely translated means looking at love/life through rose-colored glasses.  

Piaf was briefly married to a singer before she met married boxer Marcel Cedrean.  The two fell madly in love and Piaf hoped to one day be Mrs. Cedrean.  Sadly he died in a plane crash, leaving Piaf inconsolable.  Her last husband was twenty years her junior and by her side when she died at the age of forty-seven.  As another of her song titles so eloquently described her brief life, she lived with “Non, je ne regret rien” – with no regrets.

Santa’s Symbols Of Christmas

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Just a week before Christmas I had a visitor. I had just finished the household chores late at night, and was getting ready to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the living room. Much to my surprise, Santa Claus himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree, and whispered, “Shh. Don’t be scared. It’s all right.”

 

I started to ask him what he was doing, but stopped in mid-sentence when I saw that his usual jolly manner was gone and he had tears in his eyes. He told me he was sad because children all over the world were not being taught the real meaning of Christmas.

He reached into his sack pulling out a small green Christmas tree. He said, “Teach the children that the evergreen tree remains green all the year round. Green is the colour of abundant nature around us and indicates the everlasting hope of mankind. God created trees to be of great service to people, providing wood to build homes, fires to keep us warm and to cook on, and paper to print books for us to learn from.

Santa reached into his sack again and pulled out a bright, shiny star, and said, “Teach the children the star was the heavenly sign of promise long years ago. God promised a Saviour for the world, and the star was a sign of the fulfilment of that promise. The countless shining stars in the night-sky still give us a reminder of that star so long ago telling of the birth of our Saviour.

Santa put the star on the top of the Christmas tree and took from his sack a glittering red ornament. He said, “Teach the children that red is the special colour of Christmas because it reminds us of the blood that was shed by our Saviour so that we could all gain Eternal Life, which is the greatest gift Heavenly Father can give us.”

As Santa returned to his sack I heard a soft, tinkling sound and saw he had a bell in his hand. “Teach the children that in the old days animals were very valuable to people as they provided transport and food for them. They put a bell round the neck of each sheep or cow, so they could hear where they were if they got lost. In the same way God values all people, wherever they are, and they are never lost to Him. In some places church bells are rung on Christmas Day to proclaim the good news of this special day.”

Once again Santa reached into his sack, and brought out a candle. “Teach the children that a candle was used in the old days to light the way so people could see where they were going. When it is dark we are afraid, but the light casts away our fears. Jesus came into the world and taught that He is the Light of the World. People used to put candles on Christmas trees, but nowadays we have coloured lights instead as they are safer.”

Next Santa produced a candy cane. “Teach the children that the candy cane represents the shepherd’s crook. This was a strong stick with a curved end that could be placed around the neck of a sheep that had slipped down the hillside, so the shepherd could pull it up to safety. The candy cane represents the helping hand we should show to others, and reminds us that we really are our brother’s keeper.”

Reaching deep into his sack Santa pulled out a Christmas wreath and said, “Teach the children that the wreath symbolises the eternal nature of love. It never stops or comes to an end. It is one continuous round of affection. It is made up of many colours, and many different items, and shows how different we all are, but how important each one of us is to the whole creation.”

Santa then took from his sack some tinsel and ribbon and said, “Teach the children that tinsel adds brightness to Christmas just as the many kindnesses we do for others brings brightness into their lives. The ribbon is tied into a bow to remind us that our lives are intertwined with each other, and the help we give others is constantly returned to us in different ways.”

 

Finally, Santa patted his sack and said, “There will be many gifts in this sack each Christmas, but the greatest gift we can give, or be given, is love. Love takes time and effort from us to give to others in the way they need it, to bring their potential into being. Love is not an advertising gimmick, but something we learn to do, and we must teach this to our children.”

With this, Santa waved goodbye and left the same way he had come in, saying as he went, “Don’t forget to teach the children the real meaning of the symbols of Christmas.” As I watched him go, I was sure that this would be the best Christmas ever.

— Author Unknown.