Tag Archives: Humor

Spirit in the Sky

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Mrs. No More made a movie! I don’t want to scare you. Ok, I do. For your consideration, and in the spirit of the spirits, without further ado. I give you…Spirit in the Sky, written and directed by, Yours Truly, and co-starring, Yours Truly. Trick or treat.

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Just my type

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LoveDefinitionInTypewriter1The first Valentine’s Day after my divorce, I felt massacred . It had been over a year since I discovered his affair, and I filed for divorce on February 9th the following year.

He  had moved and they were expecting a chocolate child.

What I truly missed on this Hallmark Holiday, are the last-minute gold and diamond trinkets he used to rush out and buy me.  I miss his guilt gifts.

The next year, I decided I needed to find a new way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead of dwelling on what I no longer had, I would focus on what I still had/have — good  humor. While my ex-husband was living  in a McMansion with his new family , I was wasting away in “Margaritaville.

The guests at my pity party had long gone, but the party on my face was going strong. I needed to put down the shaker and shake my mind maker – writing.   I used to write everyday.  Okay, not everyday, but I thought about it everyday.  I am writing now.  Word.

I’ve had my heart-broken many times since my divorce.  I still get, “can’t we be friends,” from men who don’t know the meaning of friendship, or they wouldn’t ask such a moronic question.

Today, I will not receive flowers, chocolates or Victoria’s Secret thongs (which are just plain wrong.)

Tomorrow, I will go to the drug store and buy myself a big box of chocolates marked, 50%  – Rose boxers, too.  Because I am worth it and so are you!

Season’s Greetings

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If you always sent out those lovely and sometimes cheesy family Ho Ho ho photo cards, don’t let your divorce detour you from another family photo–op with a twist.  Get all dolled up and have a family photo taken with the finest mall Santa you can find.  Some big city malls feature a shirtless Santa just for the ladies

Childless ladies can do the same thing.  Resist the urge to dress up you and your pets in identical outfits for your greeting card.  I know how much you love your pets, but a glam shot of you sitting on the old man’s lap is a better way to go.  Be your own Santa baby.

You may just say, “Oh what the heck”, I don’t feel like decking anything except my ex-husband.  Suddenly the scene from When Harry Met Sally of Meg Ryan dragging a Christmas tree down the street pops into your head.

Who needs that?  Maybe you do.  Maybe you don’t.   It’s up to you.

I Turk You

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Tomorrow  you’ll be stuffing your face and trying to make nice with your aged and drunken Uncle Mack.

So when the starchy food and strained conversation come to a sleep-inducing halt, try whipping out these Terrible Thanksgiving Day Jokes to liven up the joint:

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims! 

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off. 

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age! 

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him. 

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl language. 

What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called?
Turkey feathers. 

What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot. 

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Absolutely — a building can’t jump at all. 

How can you make a turkey float?
You need two scoops of ice cream, some root beer and a turkey. 

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock. 

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside. 

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A turkey. 

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
Because he was stuffed. 

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy. 

And now, bow your heads for this Thanksgiving Day blessing 

“Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business. Thanks, for a nation of finks.”
–William S. Burroughs,
“A Thanksgiving Prayer”

Gone with the Wind – Divorce Diva Classics

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Love her, or hate her, Scarlett O’Hara is the quintessence of clout pout.  She was married three times, survived the Civil War, the death of a child, and kept Tara from going up in flames.  Scarlett may be a fictional character, but if she were real and alive today, she’d have a line of corsets and curtains available at finer department stores.

Try saying to yourself, “I can’t think about that (fill in the that) right now.  If I do, I’ll go crazy.  I’ll think about that tomorrow.”  It worked for her.  It may just work for you. Scarlett may have been a back stabbing, man-stealing harlot, but she had a vision and nothing and nobody was going to stop her from achieving what she obviously felt was her God-given right.  She wasn’t malicious, just misunderstood.  The same might be said of the actress who became famous playing her and the writer who created her.

Margaret Mitchell:  author – born November 8, 1900

The author of the Pulitzer Prize winning novel, Gone with the Wind, was married twice, run over by a car once and died at the age of forty-nine.

Her life wasn’t quite like that of her heroine, Scarlett O’Hara, but there are some similarities.  Both were raised in a white mansion in segregated Atlanta.  Since slavery was out, Mitchell had to make do with servants.

By age seventeen, Margaret was engaged to a soldier who was killed in action.  Several years after she graduated from college, she was courted by two suitors: Red Upshaw and John Marsh.

She married Rhett, I mean Red, who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic bootlegger and all-round scoundrel.  They get divorced, and waiting in the wings, was bachelor No. 2 John March.  They married on July 4, 1925.

We readers owe a debt of gratitude to arthritis as it was this affliction that confined the budding journalist to her bed, where she read and read until, it is said, the public library had to retire her card.  What’s a reader to do?  Write!

Gone with the Wind was published in 1936 and sold more than one million copies in about four months.  Soon after, Hollywood came a calling and every actress in Hollywood wanted to play Scarlett O’Hara.

Vivien Leigh: actress – born November 5, 1913

Around the time Mrs. Leigh was reading Gone with the Wind, she was earning her own Scarlet letter by engaging in an extramarital affair with the also married Laurence Olivier.  The British-born actors would eventually divorce their respective spouses and marry and divorce each other.

Vivien Leigh won two Academy Awards playing Southern belles: Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind and Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire. 

She also suffered in silence with manic depression (bipolar).

Her erratic behavior earned her the reputation of being difficult to work with and made for a rocky marriage to Olivier.